One of Those Weeks

It was Easter this last weekend so The Man and I went to my family's house for a big dinner and everything went so well. I am so lucky to have someone that is so wonderful with my family. But something was wrong the next morning. I was unhappy, I realized that something isn't all there in my relationship. I am feeling like the effort I am putting in and the love I'm expressing is just not coming back to me. I know he loves me, I'm just not sure he loves me enough, and if he does, he can't say it. Now I know he has history, he was burned pretty badly in his marriage and I know it still follows him, but I am feeling like I walk on egg shells around him. When we got home I told him I was unhappy and that I needed a few days. That was Tuesday and we haven't spoken since. I'm still trying to figure out what to do. Do I give up and walk away and say goodbye to the most amazing person I have ever let into my life? Do I continue to compromise my happiness, afraid to say or do the wrong thing? I miss him, but I also feel like I've already walked away.
In the midst of all this I've received my latest Visa bill. Now in Feb. I noticed strange charges on my credit card-I don't use it all that often so when I get a bigger bill than normal I look twice. It seems my credit card number was taken from somewhere and someone has been using my identity. Kind of a creepy feeling. I have been dealing off and on with the company to try and get the charges reversed. As of yesterday I gave them a list of all the charges that were not mine and now the investigation team will review them. As it stands my bill is over $1300. I make very little and so this amount is quite substantial to me. In total about $400 of that amount are from charges made by me so yesterday I paid $200 until payday comes and I can pay off the rest. Today I get a phone call from Visa (because I didn't get enough of them yesterday) and they tell me I'm 60 days late on my payments and I need to start paying. Now I'm not the nicest of people in the best of times but this poor guy caught me after a 14 hour nightshift where I had been spit at, yelled at and caught in the middle of a domestic dispute. I was probably a little hard on the guy, in fact, I called back in preparation to apologize but realized I never actually got his name. So dear Visa man, if you happen to read this I'm sorry I was such a bitch, but its been a long night.
Well I have to admit, this outlet is really working for me (and this is only my second post). Ranting without being interrupted is a beautiful thing!

Life or Something Like It

I've started this blog for several reasons. The first is a trial at some sort of therapy. A way to get my thoughts out in a more creative way than pen to paper. The second is simply boredom. My time at work is mostly long hours of complete time wasting interrupted by moments of sheer terror or stupidity. I started reading blogs several years ago but never thought of doing my own, until I read a book written by a paramedic that was a compilation of stories from his blog. The way he writes his stories is obviously therapeutic and I thought I would give it a try and see how it makes me feel. I became a paramedic three years ago and currently work in a small town on the west coast. We do about 2200 calls a year and they range from severe medical problems to major MVIs to the little old lady that got lonely and needed to talk. In the summer I work for the emergency coordination center as an operations officer where we do everything that isn't 911.
I recently started the P90X program (and it is seriously kicking my ass) and I'm about to start a 30 day cleanse so I'm sure I'll have a lot of complaining to do these next few weeks.
I'm in the office today from 0700-1500 then a race across town to work a night shift on the ambulance. Tomorrow morning The Man and I head to my dad's house up island and enjoy a lovely Easter dinner with my 3 step sisters-their respective husbands and boyfriends and my step mother.
To be honest, I'm exhausted. I want nothing more than to go back to bed and sleep for another 6 hours. But there is no rest for the wicked. The phones are ringing and my coffee is getting cold.